I was watching Bryan Williams on NBC tonight, a member of the 1% club who totally has the rest of you played that he gives a shit about you, and they were covering the break up of the "occupy" camps. Kudos to my friends on The Street who held up signs saying, "Occupy a desk." Much love, rich brothers.

Anyway, this one kid in his Abercrombie hoodie (how much did you pay for that, son?) gets on camera, and he's like, "The police keep pushing us out, but we're going to keep coming back and starting camps because they can't stop us from exercising our First Amendment rights."

No wonder you don't have a job. You don't even know what the First Amendment says. It guarantees freedom of speech, not the right to squat in a park to protest whatever the hell it is you're so angry about.

Which reminds me, if you're going to have a cause, at least figure out what it is. You keep complaining about how greedy we are, but you don't offer any solutions to "fix" your problems, or ask anyone in particular (business, government, your grandma) to enact those changes. Maybe if you focused on that instead of where you can pitch a tent in proximity to Starbucks, you'd get something done.

I don't care about his floating political affiliations. My boy Mayor Bloomberg is a Republican through and through, and I love him. He booted the protesters out of Zuccotti Park, so the end to free camping is here! I'm happy to get my park back. Sometimes, I head down there to get some fresh air with my millionaire buddies to compare our expensive watches and photos of our hot trophy wives. Now we're free to do that again.

The Mayor totally played it smooth. He was like, "No one else can use the park, it's totally not about free speech." Yeah, that's right. I'll write a check for this guy's next campaign for anything. He knows how it is.

I was reading the news, about how a lot of cities are breaking up these Occupy Movement encampments, and I finally figured out what it's all about: Free camping.

Think about it. A bunch of entitled little brats are broke and can't find a job, they need good cell phone college to Tweet and Facebook and surf for porn from their iPhones, shitting in the woods isn't sanitary, and you can't be too far from a Starbucks. And yet, those 99%-ers also need a vacation.

Camping out in public parks addresses this problem perfectly. You can take your shiny new tent from REI, pitch it, attention whore yourself on the Internet and sip a tall pumpkin spice latte. Maybe these idiots are smarter than I thought. How long before we start seeing Yelp reviews on who has the best hot dogs, or which tent has "special" brownies? You know the day is coming.

Hopefully the NYPD will let these freeloaders hang out though, because I've seen what happens when you tell them to get lost. In Portland, they've just moved into the streets, and I can't get my BMW down the street if these hippies are dodging canisters of tear gas.

This "occupy" crap has made its way to Harvard, which is both hilarious and sad. A bunch of Harvard kids, you know, the all-valedictorian crowd, are camping out on the quad to protest... something. If that weren't funny enough, you can't join the protest unless you're a student there. Even the civil disobedience requires admission!

But here's the thing: These silver spoon super-nerds are supposed to be my replacement. When I'm 40 and retired on my yacht, these geeks are supposed to be managing my retirement accounts. They're the future 1%. It's their job to keep me at the top and keep the 99% down. That's how it works.

Those of us in the 1% spend all day trying to make sure we're keeping the rest down. If any of the little people can afford a car as nice as mine, then that means there's less money for me. That's clearly not acceptable. I work my ass off to make sure that I have an advantage over those people, and I want to keep it. Someone has to mow my lawn and clean my toilets.

So listen up, Harvard dweebs. Pack up your fucking Eddie Bauer tents and get back to work. Put this liberal hippie bullshit behind you and take your place in the world, up here where the air is crisp, and the view fantastic. You'll realize that you're being young and stupid soon enough.

The idiots protesting SeaWorld are silly enough, so I couldn't help but look to see if anyone was messing with Walt Disney World. Sure enough, there are at least two Facebook groups. They don't seem that sincere, but I can only assume some dipshittery is in our future.

Why? Because Disney had record profit in their 4Q. I particularly liked this little nugget:

"Similarly, occupancy in the company's hotels slipped two percentage points. But per-room spending, which includes the nightly room rate, was up 9 percent."

You see what that says? Most people who want to "occupy" do so by giving their credit card to the Goofy behind the counter and pay for it.

My prediction: These cats hanging out in the park are going to head home for their weekly shower, then tweet the crowd toward Orlando and protest while fending off alligators. They'll bitch and moan about Disney, the big evil corporation, is pricing them out of the market. As if they have a right to take pictures with Mickey (while he secretly feels up your wife). Do you see the irony? They want the right to give money to a company they think makes too much money.

So glad those people can't afford to go to their new hotel in Hawaii. That's a 1%, A-list, Audi-driving, spa haven for us better people.

OK, even though you guys annoy the piss out of me, and hate me just because I have more money than you, I have to hand it to you on this Michele Bachmann thing. That was hilarious.

I especially love the skinny kid who helps "protect" her as she walks away from the stage, on the opposite side of her from where the protesters are. She's totally freaked out. Well done.

She's not on our side. Have you read the shit on her Web site? It's all a bunch of unattributed bullshit that speaks of magic economics and jobs, jobs jobs! It's the same thing Obama promised, and we've seen how that worked out.

I'm going to support Ron Paul, not just because he's a gun-toting pro-lifer, but because he wants to eliminate The Fed. Can you imagine the fun that me and my buddies would have with less government interference?

My Penthouse maid (she's my maid, and has been in Penthouse) was just complaining to me about some woman at Target who was paying for feminine hygiene products using a check. I make too much money to shop there, but my maid is trying to pay for school or something, so at least she's got a plan.

But back the woman with a check. Really? I didn't think anyone wrote checks anymore. We have these awesome plastic cards now, where you swipe them, and the merchant gets money from your checking account. They're called debit cards, and when you use them, you're not that asshole holding up the line to write a check.

Then I realized... we're not charging people to write checks. We've been so busy trying to up our debit card fees that we missed the most obvious fee! The best part is that it's mostly old people who write checks, and they fear change, so they'll just sit there and take it. Brilliant.

I have to go write a memo...

This Occupy movement I keep hearing about, the people I can see down in the park from my highrise corner office, is all about this percentage of 99%. I think they arrived at this percentage because those commies, you know, Democrats, kept talking about the "top 1%" and how we don't pay enough taxes or something. And then Warren Buffet turned on us and said he barely paid any taxes. I wish that tubby old man would stop giving up our secrets.

But are these Twittering dweebs really 99%? I mean, the unemployment rate is only 9%, so I'm not sure if the other 90% totally identifies with them. If you have a job, then obviously you're cool, and the only "movement" you make involves your copy of Forbes and some alone time on your throne.

And besides, some of the 99% makes $200,000 or more! We don't let those people into our country club, but I think they're doing OK for themselves. You know, the top 15% make at least $100k, and I keep hearing about how that's "rich." (Definitely not in our club.)

No wonder they can't get jobs. They can't even do basic math.

So I'm driving through the crowd of slackers on Wall Street today on the way into work, when some jackass puts his jobless hipster hands on my BMW. I didn't realize it until after I parked, but he put a sticker on my window with a URL to his Facebook page: Occupy SeaWorld.

Now, I understand if you feel like a have-not, because of what you may not have, but SeaWorld? The page has this little nugget:

"A page dedicated to exposing the corporate greed, whale laundering and cetacean exploitation within marine parks, an industry that operates under a façade of education and awareness."

Whale laundering? Is that some intrusive method of washing Shamu's undercarriage? You morons are one step away from the PETA nutjobs who are trying to invoke the 13th Amendment claiming the whales are slaves.

Even though it seems like a waste of money to me, I'd like to see what you do when they rescue some sea turtle, nurse him back to health and send him on his merry way. You see everything in black and white, like capitalism and conservation can't coexist.

Enjoy your sushi, dickheads.