My name is Dirk Howlwell, and I am the 1%. I manage money on Wall Street, and won't apologize for it. Want more? Check out our archives.
This Occupy movement I keep hearing about, the people I can see down in the park from my highrise corner office, is all about this percentage of 99%. I think they arrived at this percentage because those commies, you know, Democrats, kept talking about the "top 1%" and how we don't pay enough taxes or something. And then Warren Buffet turned on us and said he barely paid any taxes. I wish that tubby old man would stop giving up our secrets.
But are these Twittering dweebs really 99%? I mean, the unemployment rate is only 9%, so I'm not sure if the other 90% totally identifies with them. If you have a job, then obviously you're cool, and the only "movement" you make involves your copy of Forbes and some alone time on your throne.
And besides, some of the 99% makes $200,000 or more! We don't let those people into our country club, but I think they're doing OK for themselves. You know, the top 15% make at least $100k, and I keep hearing about how that's "rich." (Definitely not in our club.)
No wonder they can't get jobs. They can't even do basic math.