My name is Dirk Howlwell, and I am the 1%. I manage money on Wall Street, and won't apologize for it. Want more? Check out our archives.
I was reading the news, about how a lot of cities are breaking up these Occupy Movement encampments, and I finally figured out what it's all about: Free camping.
Think about it. A bunch of entitled little brats are broke and can't find a job, they need good cell phone college to Tweet and Facebook and surf for porn from their iPhones, shitting in the woods isn't sanitary, and you can't be too far from a Starbucks. And yet, those 99%-ers also need a vacation.
Camping out in public parks addresses this problem perfectly. You can take your shiny new tent from REI, pitch it, attention whore yourself on the Internet and sip a tall pumpkin spice latte. Maybe these idiots are smarter than I thought. How long before we start seeing Yelp reviews on who has the best hot dogs, or which tent has "special" brownies? You know the day is coming.
Hopefully the NYPD will let these freeloaders hang out though, because I've seen what happens when you tell them to get lost. In Portland, they've just moved into the streets, and I can't get my BMW down the street if these hippies are dodging canisters of tear gas.